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14 July 2008 @ 10:10 pm

 someday somebody will care about me as much as fred cares about bonnie.

someday someone will call me first. and not want to break plans. and be upset if something goes wrong. and want to know when something goes wrong. and keep in touch just because we once were close. or keep in touch because they know it matters to me even if they dont care too much for it. someday someone will call me first.

someday i wont be the problem in other people's friendships but have problems in friendships of my own.

someday i will have friends to introduce, and be proud of, and not worry about.

someday somebody wont want me to think they dont care.


until then i will keep trying to be a good person and a good friend and not get too down when no one cares.

 

 

 
 
20 May 2008 @ 04:22 pm
i've forgotten about here for a while now. i dont think theres much to say, life is terrific. i paint and smile and bow guitars, he writes and accordians and we spend a lot of time staring at architecture.  im moving away from this city tomorrow ( ! ) and do not mind at all. many friends to come visit, many disgusting couches to sleep on and photos to take and bars to get drunk in.
moving to brooklyn in two weeks to make new friends and paint new things and get drunk in new bars.  will try to find work but currently dont care, ive saved enough to survive at least. i want to create a portfolio and see all the things there are to see by my place and experience the museums as much as i have in dc. 

its been good

its gonna be better.
 
 
17 April 2008 @ 12:06 pm
som  

 

some selected quotes:

"look at you. earlier you get blessed by the pope and now you're carousing with a man in bed. and if i weren't so exhausted i would sin you all over"

"you want to know what your life is worth to me? i would kill ALL the Somalians for you. kill em dead...given there was some reason for it."

Popemobile came through town yesterday. it was his birthday too. his car was pretty sweet but I think i like the old school 50s version more.  Seeing the pope made me want to do two very opposing things- watch more Fellini films and read the Bible again. I cant wait to get some free time.
there are many things i want to do once this rat-race is over. make handbags, stuffed animals. break out the record collection again. do more painting, relearn french.  learn guitar. start a synth band [but first learn how to sew onesies so we have good costumes]. i cant wait for graduation.
jude wrote a manifesto. there are some things that need to be editted but its actually damned good. I do wish i wrote more, as I cant seem to enunciate any good thoughts anymore. 

less than 2 months left in DC, no job prospects and no apartment still. eh.


What Cheer Manifesto 

1. We do therefore we are not. 

      We act and are manifest in our actions but renounce all  labels.  As labels and names contain inherent divisiveness and cultural baggage, we reject them as entailing judgments and values not inherent in action.  Hence we write poetry and yet are not poets. We paint but are not painters. We sculpt but are not sculptors. Action is the sign of our presence, and we renounce all pretense and posing. 

2.  We reject post-modernity, as post-modern writings are boring and convoluted and therefore the enemy of ecstatic experience. Also, irony is the nemesis of genuine sincere expression and experience. 

3. We embrace ecstatic experience and the wonder of creating. We celebrate the spectacular and elevate the wonder inherent in the mundane as well as the abnormal alike. 

4. We reject that which takes the wonder and joy out of life. Hence we reject scholarly criticism and the Academy.  Government is also frowned upon. 

5.  We long for meaning and profundity. Hence we reject politics and journalism. 

6.  We long for an Ideal but have complicated and often contradictory views concerning Religion. Our superstitions are pluralistic and multivalent.  

7.  We elevate the human form because the human form is just fine.  

8. We reject Puritanism in all of its forms.  We reject any ideology that seeks to confine the emotional and psychological complexity of the human experience. 

9. We reject violence as evil and destructive. Creation is our primary goal. 

10. We always expect a dance party.

 
 
02 April 2008 @ 02:25 pm
i think i must have woken up to something bad this morning. or maybe its the new found effects of smoking pot since spring break. vaguely uneasy, worried about money, making decisions for the right reasons, where am i going to live? i have offers for free housing, a job offer i keep turning down and the employer keeps begging me to take it, but do i want to be in dc? do i want to be in new york for myself or for danielle and jude? not that they are bad reasons. maybe if i had some job prospects that i actually liked this would be easier. the idea of not making money, being unemployed for the first time since i was 14 scares the shit out of me. i dont think ive saved enough and this trip with danielle is going to take everything i have, trips shouldnt make me stressed out right? and so many other things...
450 a month to live in columbia heights is damned cheap.
i need a job in new york asap or else ill probably just stay here. which i think is not what i want but oh devon and jake and scotty and harty, why is everyone staying here? dont they hate it as much as i do?
east coast cynicism might be most noticeable in new york, but its most truly felt in dc.
anyway feeling jaded and disgusted with life, most of my friends and definitely the boy. probably should just hole myself up for the day but ive got a list a mile long of things i need to get done. sigh
 
 
 im back from st croix, which has taught me a few things about living life properly. too much to get into at 3am but i feel really good about things.

i like him because he wants a dance party just as much as i do, and isnt afraid to start one anywhere.

its 6 weeks from graduation and as long as im not alone, im moving to albuquerque. just for a few months. just to put off the real world. could you expect anything different?

i just hope someone pulls through to come with me. i think he's more tethered than he realizes and that's ok. i just want anyone with a sense of reckless abandon, i could do it alone but it just wouldnt be as much fun. 


so, do you want to see the southwest?
 
 
12 March 2008 @ 07:12 pm
i remember w hen all i wanted to do was make little crafts/clothes and sell them in at markets on the weekends. 


maybe it can still be that easy.
 
 
12 March 2008 @ 11:32 am
thought i could keep walking on clouds, lighthearted, having given up on all wishes for a world more beautiful, i know she will ask me soon why i am still here, why do i continue if i am no longer looking for that moment to give me hope, have i finally understood how everyone else can walk by blind? spent some time screaming in fields, useless insanity, a last nova of sentiment.
so what do i say? the carnivalesque, the nightmarish, the macabre. there are no names, no painting titles, no fucking movement. no i am sorry abstract expressionism just doesnt rub me that way, how can you more than aesthetically enjoy something so devoid of contemporary meaning? most art history more a lesson in conceptual studies, breakthroughs so outmoded the art becomes a document, a million dollar document people travel to stare at and pretend to understand, the toilet isnt beautiful so stop admiring it, do you do that at home? youve heard about it, does uplifting it to the sacred make you feel better? does this white fucking sterile box help? has celebrity touch added something for you?
and i say i want to work in a museum.
the carnivalesque, the nightmarish, the macabre. contemporary issues, yes! they are the ordinary of life, a society of the spectacle in which shock and horror are only an internal personal creation upon examining the end of all redeeming qualities, the end of honesty. while falsehoods hang high over Everymans head, (looming architecture, Capital Columbia you are a monument to all the hatred i have lost)
a day to day lack of compassion stemming from oversaturation, yes i can blame art, but i dont.
you do not have ADD. just spend a moment--can you really be happy while she is being fucked for fun or power or money?  Are you having fun watching detached images of other's experiences? are you happy being busy all the time but not knowing what world you live in? are you looking around yet?

art for social purpose is as pointless as art for arts sake.  so i suppose my proposal is that i give up now.
 
 
11 March 2008 @ 08:43 pm
i cannot bear such sadness
hidden in warm laughter, better not to know, oh,
wandering words will find their way to the most non-receptive eyes, i did not want to know
--that what i've been running away from in myself,
what has always eaten at my conscience
during any supposedly pleasurable experience
Finally! having been expelled
is harbored in the chest of the one i lay mine against. 
 
 
11 March 2008 @ 12:04 pm
sitting in a cafe with jude, watching and waiting through pouring rain, i started thinking about my friendship with guy.  theres been something i don't like about his humor, something thats always irked me. and this feeling has been growing.

all of a sudden i came to a realization that i suppose has been forming since middle school.
i HATE tv-reference humor.

i've never enjoyed this type of humor, mostly because i probably haven't seen the show that people are referencing, or i have but dont remember every single joke word for work, and it seems like this humor can be quite exclusionary. but i always thought of that more as a fault of my own.
but actually, its just not funny. guy and katie will sit around shooting simpsons quotes back and forth at each other, laughing hysterically for hours, not saying anything else. we get it, you've both seen the same tv show. you, yourself, are not being funny. you're being fucking annoying.

i dont mind the occasional retelling of a funny moment from shows, but basing your entire sense of humor off of shit that like is SO OBNOXIOUS.
and this is why i probably cant be friends with Guy anymore. now that i know this, i can just see myself getting more and more annoyed with him, through no real fault of his own. i just can't be bothered to be around people like that anymore.

the rain lightened up, we finished our coffees and went our different ways. i took a three hour walk through adams morgan and dupont circle, running into a few trannie photo shoots, a john waters convention, and a few hundred people dressed up as video game characters, but i couldn't figure out the reason.  got home and slept all day. the next, too.
 
 
06 March 2008 @ 02:04 pm
dumpster diving has been a bit heavy lately, spending 9-12 each morning rummaging for starbucks cups (an installation soon to come, photos and even a write up in the newspaper!).
a few memorable moments:

as katie and i carry cardboard boxes in spiteful wind, a homeless woman passes by and whispers with longing "where'd you get those?"

many (as in over 10!) people asking us if were are environmentalists helping to recycle. often upon learning that it is for an art project, these people got annoyed with us.

our quick downward spiral from girls sifting through trash, to jumping in dumpsters, to singing songs in the street with trails of curdled milk and coffee seeping from our bags behind us, to actually begging for cups from starbucks patrons while complaining of hunger and how no one cares.

the realization that we are entirely too comfortable with being hobos, which is probably why we were the two sent out to go through trash in the first place.

a hispanic man heaving garbage into a chute from starbucks, me chasing after him screaming to stop, and his response being: "what serendipity! i have cups, you need cups, we stand here together in this moment."





also, i t hink the most interesting thing you can find out about a city is the garbage its inhabitants create.
 
 
26 February 2008 @ 04:32 pm

the last 5 days i have been attempting to tell a narrative for an art class. the word narrative has gone through my head thousands of times, gaining and losing meaning, making me realize how important stories can be, how significant one line can be, how pointless stories can add up to create an entire individual, how stories fade and pulse. how songs can be stories, how time is itself a story i cannot represent, narrative narrateive narrat if.  the project overwhelmed me. the idea of image to tell a story overhwlems me. not in the sense of davids oath of the horatii, moment of tension sort of way/ or the drawings in a childresnb ook sort of way/ maybe i dont have any story worth telling? disenchanted with antiquity and chinese affairs have never been my strong point... and this is when i realize i have no idea what interests me. ive been so busy being interested in everything from the fin de siecle to tolstoy to homelessness to child rearing to mountain climbing to tibetan monks that i forgot what are the staples and what is the fluff!
Jude says I am a series of illogical contradictions, which within the context of our conversations is usually true. I think of outmoded definitions and find myself acting against my usual default, caught in a process of learning and changing.
some evenings i look back on the day and cant believe that it is me living this life. and yet, its not such an unbelievable life and im not quite sure how it is any different from how it used to be, excpet less stressful/emotional.
i think a lot of this might be stemming from how radically different my family life has become recently. sure, i dont live at home so i guess it shouldnt effect me too uch but having two sober, relatively happy parents is far beyond my realm of knowledge or understanding. it makes things...easy. i dont do well with easy. i apparently become a clean freak with easy! 
this was less organized than i had hoped. more to come

 
 
26 February 2008 @ 12:55 pm
well my computer died on me while i was away in new york this weekend. i feel like the last few days have completely changed me. feeling detached from my past and my interests, since 2008 i have lost my wallet, phone, ipod, and computer-i am free to do anything! be anyone!  these losses and my attempt to overocme sentimentality are actually the subject of my next piece for conetmporary issues, which may or may not go down well. i think i should be more upset than i am about all of this loss. i dont know, maybe it just hasnt hit me yet that i have no music, no photos, no word documents, no papers ive written. im sure it will cause problems soon but for right now i just feel oddly empty. also, a little mad that i have invested so much of the last 4 years of my life into a little mechanical box. 
anyway, new york.  actually had quite a good time with my mom, creating a se4ries of crappy photographs called "arguments with my mom: the trash can series" where i unceremoniously threw out everything shes ever saved of my past, but did give her the concession of taking photographs first. it was fun and silly and slightly freeing. also going through all of my stuff to cut down for my inevitable move out of college into an apartment. got lots of clothing for saint croix, all on my mom who i think is feeling bad about how stressed ive always been about money. we took my younger cousin out and explained to her decisions really arent as monumental as they seem, and being uptight is not worth the effort, psych bills, or tense muscles [shes a senior trying to get into college while playing 2 sports working and worried about gaining weigh/getting a date for the prom]. i realize that although i was stressed at her age, we have WILDLY different issues.
well i am at work and really shouldnt be writing anymore, who knows when i will be at a computer again, so long!
 
 
20 February 2008 @ 01:10 pm
sometime not too recently i started losing tack of things i used to care about. people, mostly. it's odd to see the ones that still stick out--the people worth contacting, the memories worth saving.  small moments that had become monumentally important to me are fading again. i dont really look to the past anymore.
made friends with a friends younger brother this week.  Ivi is wonderful and i think when he gets older hes going to really make something of his life.  hes five years younger than me and i think he sees me as a mentor of sorts, which is fun, but also reminding me just how removed i am from his problems. do i have 'real life'  problems yet? i dont seem to have any problems at all actually.

i havent been to a bar in two weeks and this seems crazy to me.

going to new york tomorrow. riding up with Jude, which should be fun. traveling is almost always better with someone else. i have high hopes for the weekend.

i know i say this all the time, but DC is killing me. so souless.
 
 
12 February 2008 @ 02:04 pm
 yesterdays focus in yoga was balance, and i found out two things. 
a) i have absolutely no sense of balance in my body 
b) the same is true for my life.

i literally fell over in every position, and my embarassment just made it harder each time. and i couldn't get my mind off of things and people that i should not be spending this much time thinking about. there are so many other things going on in life that should be given more attention. trying to change my perspective but its proving more difficult than i had hoped. case in point, ive been at work for the last two hours and have done no work, but have gushed on about my new dress for entirely too long and checked my empty email boxes more than a dozen times. 

the main reason i think i need a break from the internet is that i dont even do anything on it, i just check my email compulsively, as though it helps me feel more connected to people. i've become more and more dependent on being around people and interacting with friends instead of spending time with myself introspectively. also, most of the time i spend alone i spend manically cleaning, which confuses and annoys me. since when am i clean? seriously. theres not a speck of dust to be found in my apartment. its sick. 

also my extreme social tendencies lately, making plans and throwing parties etc, is scaring me. who is this person?
 
 
09 February 2008 @ 02:46 am
i've be en thinking ive become pretty intimately awkward lately. then tonight i proved this to myself beyond a doubt. 

he asked me when i was going to new york next week, thursday or friday.  i tell him friday, out with a friends band, will be back monday. he says "so you will be here thursday?" and i say, sure. he asks if i want to go to dinner. again, "sure, why not" he says "cool" and we go back to staring at a wall in an acquaintances house.

i come home three hours later, and have just realized that thursday is valentines day, and that my response was a semi-bored, semi-tired "sure, why not"
 
 
08 February 2008 @ 03:15 pm
and---- im surprised by which 'one' i am, after all this time.
 
 
08 February 2008 @ 03:08 pm
well we walk and we talk and we dont want to stop because it feels good, yeah it feels right.

we sit on rocks of peace and war, talking of zombies instead of russian lit. dinner is comprised mainly of cauliflower and evening wear is a pink dress for him, shiny silver hot pants for her. 

we walk and we talk , we walk home and home again. there's no sleeping before 4am here.

for all the talking and walking no one is in shape, and nothings clarified.  genius!

one's a fatalist, the other existential.  one has a love of, more than nicknacks, actual garbage clutter--the other studies smart design for clean living.  one sees the sun rise every morning. the other rarely sees noon.




  but we walk and we talk. it doesn't actually seem to matter much at all.
 
 
05 February 2008 @ 08:41 am

i never imagined, not even for the slightest second, that i would end up feeling like this.  at least jenny lewis got it right-- 

"i was born secular, and inconsolable"

and that church upon the hill is looking lovely.







in other news, im almost postive my insomnia is back on the rise. havent slept more than 5hours in months, even after drinking. and now even those 5 hours aren't sound. spent most of this week tossing and turning waiting for it to be acceptably light to get out of bed. i hatebeing a morning person, but i dont seem to have a choice anymore.      if i could just do one perfect thing, i'd be happy.

 
 
01 February 2008 @ 09:17 am
#1  


Edward Hoppers Two on the Aisle (1927) and the Decemberists "I was Meant for the Stage"

 
 
01 February 2008 @ 09:11 am
and it recently occured to me, its all connected. when i dont listen to music, i dont write. my back gets tense. mornings get earlier, days get monotonous. 

no matter how unbearably busy life gets, i can never do that again. 

and i don't know if i am really as crazy as friends love to tell me.  i just think parks should be sat in, and no one deserves being ignored.
 
 
 
 

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